My, My, My!

“My” is a possessive pronoun implying ownership or connection. It is one of the first pronouns we ever learn: “My toy. My Mommie, my candy,” etc. Children, as they develop their ego and concept of identity, can become quite possessive. When my nephew was about three years old, we sat across from each other while my sister prepared a meal. He sat facing me with his back to her. I said, “You see that person over there?” I pointed at my sister, and he turned to look at her. Then, I said, “She’s my sister.” His response was immediate and angry. “NO! My Mommie!” I said, “Yes, she is your Mommie, but she’s also my sister,” I replied. The anger escalated, “NO! MY MOMMIE!” At that age, he was unable to comprehend that she could be both my sister and his mother, and in his mind, he had sole possession of her. These are the beginning stages in the development of the human ego, and it continues to bring about anger and conflict for much, if not all, of our lives (depending on developing awareness).

The ego is possessive. It is how we define our identity, and too often, our identity is centered around possessiveness. My toy, my Mommy, my candy, turns into my family, my friends, my house, my school, my team, my religion, my things, and so on. If we are not very careful, the kind of immature anger that my nephew expressed when he was three years old can become chronic. The concept of ownership is one of the most fundamental and primitive characteristics of the ego. When we determine our identity based on what we possess, we can become very disappointed, angry, and depressed because the truth is that nobody really possesses anything. Everything is borrowed and temporary. We come here, we interact with our surroundings for a while (a human lifespan in the mid-70s at this point), and then we pass on and let it all go. What had been our “possessions” then end up in antique stores, thrift stores, or a landfill? Our bank accounts, if there is anything left, get passed down to whoever is in the will, settled in probate, or claimed for any outstanding debts. Then, whatever we thought we owned becomes part of someone else’s identity, their sense of style, and their concept of value.

Unfortunately, the ego is not only attached to things and objects, but also to thoughts and concepts. Because we want a high sense of self, the ego must try to prove that we are somehow better than, more important than, or more “right” than others. It has long been the dividing factor among religions, political views, and even sports teams or school rivalries, in which some proclaim that only their way can be the right way and others must automatically be wrong. The problem with ego involvement with anything is that the ego does not consider that there could be another way of looking at things. The ego does not consider that it could be wrong or that others could be right. It does not consider that there could be validity to both sides of a debate, because the ego thinks that it must survive through identification and possession. However, the ego is also a bottomless pit that cannot be filled. As long as we try to fill it from any outside identification, we lock ourselves into a slavery to consuming. It doesn’t matter what that consuming is. It could be money, status, prestige, drugs, food, gambling, fame, or virtually anything else. This can happen on both a large and a small scale, and the ego can also identify as being the worst of the worst as well as the best of the best.  It can identify itself as the worst criminal, the most despicable person, the most extraordinary victim, etc. As long as there is a sense of identity attached, the ego can latch on to anything. Still, whether the identification is positive (as in the best) or negative (as in the worst), the result is always conflict.

The biggest problem is that most people don’t even recognize they have an ego, let alone recognize what it does to them and those they interact with, the tricks it plays, and how it repeatedly casts them into one form of conflict and unhappiness or another. If we don’t realize we have an ego, or if we deny having one, we are stuck with whatever the ego does. Because of the ego’s eternal longing for more, it constantly has to try to prove that it is more than enough because “enough” is insufficient for the ego. A person could be the wealthiest on earth with the most accolades in the world and still feel insufficient, still want more wealth, more accomplishments, and more praise. The concept of “enough” is foreign to the ego. The concept of unity is foreign to the ego unless it is unity, with “my friends, my family, my religion, my club, my team—in other words, my tribe.”  This is perhaps the biggest challenge that the world faces today because the world is a very diverse place filled with many tribes, many races, many religions, many philosophies, and too many of them defend themselves rather than recognizing that the world, through the internet (among other things), is becoming a global community. Today, we can just as easily communicate with someone from Brazil, India, Japan, the UK, France, or anywhere else as we could once only communicate with our next-door neighbor. For instance, when I was growing up, we didn’t have a telephone, nor did any of our neighbors or nearby relatives. If you wanted to communicate with someone other than through a letter, you would go to their house and knock on their door. Yet, today, I can communicate with my connections in other countries on a WhatsApp call even more easily than I could go to a neighbor’s house to talk to them when I was a kid. Technology has brought us closer together. We can connect all over the world through social media, and yet, it appears that social media has done more to drive us apart than to bring us together. We are too busy defending beliefs than we are in identifying what we all have in common. Some seem to be trying to take us back to a more divided, polarized, and ego-based way of thinking, rather than bringing us together under the one umbrella of humanity.

Thus, the ego does more to perpetuate human conflict than any other aspect of human nature. One could say that it is like the devil on our shoulder tempting us to prove that we are better than someone else, for whatever reason we choose to believe. It is the devil on our shoulder tempting us to discount others while we applaud ourselves, tempting us to push our beliefs, religion, or concepts of “right and wrong” on others instead of learning to live and let live. It is that part of us that wants to control others more than we control ourselves. Thus, we find ways to dictate how others are to behave, whether that is through religion or politics, instead of minding our own business. The ego never minds its own business, for in doing so, it would have to consider that, however others may choose to live, it is right for them. However, if the ego perceives the behavior or choices of others to be wrong, then it must meet its prime directive to prove itself right and better than others. The more the ego becomes involved in any religion, political movement, or other organization, the less it is about doing what is right (no harm, no malicious intent) and the more it becomes about proving its rightness through the control of others. If money allows for the implementation of control, then it will seek more money. If an attack allows it to implement control, then it will seek to attack. All this is the ego’s quest to prove itself relevant and preserve itself.

So, now that we know the ego is the one source of human conflict in the world, how do we get rid of it? The answer is we don’t. The enigma of the ego is that, because it thrives on conflict, if we engage in battle with it, we perpetuate conflict, and what might have been an external conflict becomes an internal one, which most of us already have, because if our ego is not putting someone else down, it is putting us down. It is just as rough on us as it is on others, the world, or any ideas that it perceives to be foreign or unacceptable. Therefore, when we fight with the ego, we strengthen it. When we fight with it, we give it relevance, and we continue to promote conflict. But how can we conquer the ego if we don’t fight it? The answer is not to fight with it. The answer is in ignoring it. The answer is in recognizing it. Any time we catch ourselves in ego thoughts, in mental conflict, thinking ourselves better than others, judging, or condemning, the answer is not in guilt or shame for having ego thoughts, because the ego would love that. The answer lies in choosing either a more loving thought or in centering ourselves back in the moment. Simply by recognizing when we are engaging in ego thought, we diminish the ego. If we recognize it for what it is, whatever trick it was trying to pull is automatically thwarted. If we merely identify, through introspection and self-awareness, that we are engaging in ego-based thinking, we have begun to diminish rather than strengthen the ego. Then, if we realize that all conflict is based on a sense of lack or a sense of should (judgment), both of which are saying that we don’t accept the condition of the present moment, we also diminish the ego by recognizing it. When we refocus our attention on the present moment (mindfulness), we have diminished the ego. If we give gratitude for what we have instead of dwelling on what we lack, we have diminished the ego. If we catch ourselves judging or condemning and redirect our thinking to the present moment, we have diminished the ego.  If we treat others with the same respect that we think we deserve (The Golden Rule), we have diminished the ego. If we accept others as they are without trying to change or control them, we have diminished the ego. The more we practice acceptance, gratitude, contentment, and joy, the less we will find ourselves in conflict, influenced by the ego, and the more we will find ourselves at peace, not only with ourselves, but with others.