BUT WHAT IF IT ISN'T TRUE?

In scientific research, a technique called a double-blind study is used. It is used because of the human ego's need to be right; even on a subconscious level, the researcher wants their theory to be right. Double-blind studies became part of research when scientists noticed that those conducting their own research subtly and subconsciously introduced biases. In a double-blind study, the researcher who developed the theory does not conduct the experiment but instead hires an objective or indifferent third party to do so. During the study, the person who developed the theory isn’t involved in the research process at all, thereby eliminating most or all potential bias in determining the research outcome. The bias comes because we all want to be right. It is the nature of the human ego to want to be right, even if we consciously believe that we are being fair and objective. Another way to verify unbiased results is to repeat a study several times to ensure the same outcome occurs. However, some companies and individuals conduct research deliberately biased toward their point of view because they stand to profit from the outcome if they can convince others to believe their “research.” It is therefore important to consider the source and validation of any research.

This need for the ego to be right affects everything in our relationships, our memories, and our perceptions of the world. The truth is that none of us sees the world as it actually is. We all see it through the lens of our perceptions, and our beliefs shape our perceptions. Our beliefs are formed when we have an experience or a series of experiences and then draw conclusions from them. Unfortunately, our conclusions may be erroneous. Our beliefs are also shaped by what we are taught in school and in church, our culture and nationality, by interactions with other children as we grow up, and by interactions with adults. We are especially vulnerable to misinformation as small children because we have not yet developed the capacity to question what we are taught. Some people never seem to develop that capacity and are prone to believe whatever lies seem to fit with their established belief system. Some barely know the meaning of due diligence, much less how to conduct it. Some so want to believe that they forgo due diligence and experience consequences because of failure to examine. As much as it is human nature to want to be right, it is also human nature to jump to conclusions. In today’s world, with AI skewing perceptions of reality and misinformation being propagated on social media, it becomes increasingly difficult to determine what is or isn’t true. But what if I told you that determining what is or isn’t true has been a problem long before the internet or AI were ever invented?

You see, memories are not facts. Memories are malleable. They can change over time, vary between witnesses to the same event, and be outright false. I had known this during my studies in behavioral science, but it hit home when I was in my late 40s. It was then that I came to realize I had possessed a false memory for most of my life. Here is what happened. Just after my fifth birthday, my mother was killed in a car accident. I remember crying for my mom, and a close friend and neighbor who happened to be there lifted me so I could see my mom in her coffin. She was lying there with her arms folded over her chest, in a background of purple velvet. I recall feeling grateful, as I grew older, that our friend had done that for me. However, I discovered that it never happened. When I was in my late 40s, my grandmother was in the nursing home, and I was visiting her along with my three aunts. The subject of my mother’s death came up, and I told the memory of being held up so I could see her. My aunt Opal got the strangest look on her face and said, “That couldn’t have happened. Your momma was so mutilated by the accident that we had to have a closed-coffin funeral.”  This was then corroborated by my grandmother and my other two aunts. A memory that I had carried for most of my life was not a memory at all. It was a wish constructed in the mind of a child who had lost his mother, and that’s the truth about memories. No memory can be totally counted on, and some can’t be counted on at all.

Have you ever had a situation in which two people who experienced the same event told you about it, but each one had an almost totally different story? I have. One might conclude, especially if there had been a conflict, that one of them was lying. However, what if neither was lying? What if they were remembering the event through the filter of their perceptions, each having witnessed it from a different perspective? Of course, it is also the nature of the ego to want to bias a story in such a way that makes us look good, if nothing else. If we remember something differently from someone else, it doesn’t mean that we are right and they are wrong or vice versa. It only means that we perceived the event differently, perhaps in a way that put us in a good light or cast us as a victim. There are also occasions when one person remembers something and the other doesn’t. That may be because the experience was more important to one than to the other. Just last night, for instance, my husband began talking to me about a breakfast restaurant we ate at on our trip to Chicago last summer. I had no memory of it. He began reminding me that we had walked there and afterward gone to Navy Pier. I remembered going to Navy Pier. He began describing the restaurant's surroundings, and eventually, I remembered going there. Obviously, eating at that restaurant had a greater impact on him than it did on me, or my memory would have been just as potent as his. We had each placed a different level of importance on the memory.

Have you ever had someone tell you that you said something, and you have absolutely no memory of saying it? I have. In fact, I have had people tell me I said something totally unlike anything I would ever say. There is a mental diagnosis called borderline personality disorder. It is called that because it borders on psychosis, or loss of connection with reality. When a person has borderline personality disorder, their perceptions are so skewed that they can literally experience things in a way that is completely different from the experience of others. It almost seems that they are making up things when, in fact, that is actually how they remember it and what they believe, based on a perceptive system that was severely damaged due to childhood trauma or inconsistent experiences during early childhood. The problem comes when someone insists absolutely that you DID say or do something and believes that you are lying when you reflect that you have no memory of ever saying or doing that, or that it doesn’t even sound like something you would ever say. Remember, everyone’s ego always wants to be right. However, insisting that we are right in many situations can stir up a great deal of conflict, especially when the other person insists they are right. Often, it is much easier to allow people to believe what they believe, especially when they refuse to be convinced otherwise.

Since memories are malleable, about the only way to determine what actually happened at any given time is to have an audio or video recording of the event that has not been touched up by AI. Those exist, and they are especially valuable for holding politicians accountable for misinformation or for identifying when they actually said something they swore they did not. In fact, a recording of an event is about the only way to verify what actually went on. Even then, the recording itself is open to perception and interpretation.

The truth is that no two human beings ever interpret the world the same way, experience it the same way, or agree about everything. This is because of perceptions shaped by belief systems that determine how we interpret anything. The good news is that even our beliefs can change, and for many of us, they need to. However, very few ever question or examine their beliefs and the indoctrination they have received. Very few ever ask themselves the question, “Does this even make sense?” The problem with indoctrination is that we are expected to believe it without question. Especially in authoritarian religions, the rule is never to question, just believe what you are told. When I grew up in an authoritarian church, that’s what I was taught, and I continued to accept that it was the absolute truth until a pre-ministerial student in college began to question me about my beliefs.  I had never questioned them, and he didn’t confront me; he just questioned me. The result was that I became increasingly angry because I not only had no defense, but I could not answer his questions. For the first time, I received the message that it is important not to believe just because someone tells you that you have to. I then began to question, and in time, I learned not to believe everything my mind told me. I uncovered so many untruths when I became willing to engage in introspection. Those included beliefs about myself, other people, money, religion and ethics, status and worth, etc. It was only when I became willing to question my indoctrination that I began to discover that much of what I had believed and what I had been taught to believe did not make sense.

At the beginning of my book, The Gulls Are Always Laughing – A Gay Man’s Journey to Healing and Spirituality, I include an Author's Note acknowledging that others may interpret memories of events differently than I did. I now understand that the way I remember things is based on my current interpretation of those events, and there was a time when I interpreted them differently. For instance, there was a time when I had a murderous hate for my uncle, who abused me as a child. However, before he died, I had forgiven him and given him the kindness and respect he had never given me. I could not have done that if I had not been willing to self-examine and recognize that my interpretation of what had happened to me as a child was causing ongoing suffering. When I was willing to alter my interpretation, I found comfort and joy that I had previously denied myself.

It takes only one simple step to be able to gain objectivity and perspective in any given situation, and that is the willingness to admit that we could be wrong, or that our perception of what happened, even though it is different from the perception of others, does not necessarily mean that it is a true understanding of what occurred. This comes from the recognition that truth is irrefutable. There is no argument for or against it. It simply is what it is, and once recognized, it cannot be unrecognized. Things that we believe are true or have believed as true may not have anything to do with truth at all. The key is to understand that no belief can ever be the truth, even if it is a belief about the truth. Belief is not irrefutable. It can be argued. It can be viewed from different perspectives. It can vary from person to person. If this were not true, there would not be more than 45,000 Christian denominations or sects. They can’t all be the one true way, can they? As I got older and began to question my indoctrination, I joked about the church I grew up in. If you don’t like it, wait a few weeks, and it will split. Why do churches split? Why are there so many sects of Christianity, as well as multiple sects of other religions? Because the ego always has to be right, and the more ego is involved in anything, including religion, the more conflict there will be. The more the ego becomes involved with any religion, the greater the separation from any genuine truth it contains, and the more the religion becomes a tool of control.

The path to the actual truth is very simple. If we are willing to suspend our egos and admit that we could be wrong, we get a glimpse of the truth. It must be voluntary, rather than proven wrong by someone presenting legitimate facts, because that only further wounds the ego and may cause defensiveness. However, when we are willing to stop listening to the ego, if only for a moment, we may see a glimmer of light into what has been our mental darkness, and this one small glimmer may entice us to want to know more.