AUTHENTICITY

“Five minutes after birth, they decide your name, religion, nationality, and sect. And you spend the rest of your life defending what you did not choose.”  Authur Schopenhauer

Who are you? I mean, who are you, really? Have you ever thought about that? What is your identity? How do you know that’s your identity? Do you identify with who you really are, your authentic self, or with the construct that was instilled in you from birth?

We do not choose our names, at least not until we are adults, when we can go and legally have our names changed if we want. We don’t choose the religion or lack of religion of the family we were born into, but we are affected by the paradigms of those around us. We don’t choose our Nationality, but the nation in which we are born affects what religion we are likely to have been socialized into. If you were born in the United States, there is a 69% chance you will identify as Christian. If you were born in the United Kingdom, there is a 46% chance you will identify as Christian. In China or Israel, there is a 2% chance you will identify as Christian, and in Saudi Arabia, a 3.5% chance. So, if you identify as Christian, are you really a Christian, or is that just what you were conditioned to believe? Then we have to consider what type of Christian you identify as because there are over 45,000 Christian denominations, ranging from ultra conservative to liberal in ideology, and every one of them believes something either a little or a lot different than the others. Yet, they are all based on the same Bible? However, our religion or lack of religion is something we are free to choose, whether it is sanctioned by our government or not. Even in places like Saudi Arabia, which has a government defined as an Islamic theocratic absolute monarchy, there are still people who choose other religions. A theocratic monarchy is a form of government ruled by a king and based on religion.

So, if I can choose my religion, is my religion part of my authentic self, or is it something I defend as who I am because that was what I was taught to be? Most people never question their conditioning as children and instead defend it variously. Yet if we question our conditioning, we begin to find gaps and errors where one part of it is not congruent with another, or we discover that what we believed is blatantly wrong. Yet we also find parts of it meaningful that resonate with us.  Within and in addition to religion, there are ethical principles that guide how we treat one another. The most ethical principle of all is “The Golden Rule,” which is not only stated in the Bible but also in every major religion worldwide. Simply put, treat others as you would wish to be treated. The pagans define it as, “Harm none and do what you will.” So, if you don’t hurt anyone, the behavior is okay. It’s still The Golden Rule. If you would like to have freedom, give freedom to others. If you would like to be treated with kindness and respect, treat others the same. If you wouldn’t want it done to you, then don’t do it to someone else, and don’t align yourself with those who are doing bad things to others. We can also choose to align ourselves with ethics or violate them; violations can range from our personal lives to the behavior of governments. However, adherence to ethical principles is the most effective way to have a functional society in which people treat one another with respect, honor, and dignity. Therefore, following the Golden Rule is the most intelligent thing to do.

So, identity can be something that we choose to identify with, such as our religion or profession, or it can be something that is inherent within us, something about ourselves that we can’t deny and can’t change, but still exists. Examples would be our tastes in foods, whether we are left-handed or right-handed, whether we would rather engage in sports or be a couch potato, what we find humorous or beautiful, or whether our mind is more oriented to science and math or to artistic pursuits, our level of intelligence, or our ability to comprehend certain principles or processes. Included in these are our sexual orientation or gender identity. Even though we didn’t choose it, our identity can also be shaped by the language we speak, as our native tongue becomes hardwired in our brains in early childhood. Even our skin color can be part of our authentic identity. Regardless of our identity, there are those (often our parents or religion) who discourage us from expressing our authenticity. There was a time, for instance, when left-handed people were punished for using their left hands.  Also, an example of identity conditioning is something that I witnessed in a Big Lots store many years ago. There was a shelf containing ornate boxes for sale. They were carved from wood, and some had inlay. They were beautiful. A man and a boy of about eight years old walked by the display, and the boy said, “Oh, those are pretty.” The man, who I assume was the boy’s father, immediately said, “Quit looking at that! The only box you need is a tackle box.” So, the message to the child was: "Boys don’t like pretty things, and you are expected to go fishing." But what if the child didn’t like fishing? What if that child was an artist at heart?

I remember as a child that I hated going fishing, yet my grandmother loved it. She could sit by the creek for hours with a line in the water, but I was bored to tears by it. I later realized that this was her meditation and escape, but I still don’t like fishing. Should I have been forced to go fishing or pretend that I liked fishing when that is not part of my authentic identity? Should my grandmother have been told that she is not allowed to go fishing because she is female? We are who we are. Unfortunately, society attempts to condition us into what someone else thinks we should be. It can take a great deal of courage to stand up for our authentic identity and be ourselves regardless of who others think we should be. I remember seeing someone at a college graduation walk up to his father, hand him the diploma, and say, “Here, this is for you. Now leave me alone.” That guy then turned and walked away from his dad. His father had insisted that he get a college degree, even though he was more interested in learning a profession at a vocational-technical school. He had finished the degree because his father had pressured him to do so, but eventually (perhaps in college) learned to stand up for his authentic identity and, after pleasing his father, did what he had wanted to do in the first place.

When I was growing up, I enjoyed things like cooking and art, but I lived in a family where the men sat around watching TV on holidays while the women were in the kitchen cooking. Then, when the meal was served, the men hit the table like a pack of dogs, fed themselves, and went back to watching TV while the women were left to clean up the kitchen. I couldn’t help thinking that there was something wrong with that. Growing up in a fundamentalist religion on a farm, isolated in the rural Ozarks, I was certainly pressured to pursue “masculine” activities. I was also pressured not to feel what I was feeling as I came close to puberty and realized that I had sexual attractions to men instead of women. I tried for years to pretend to be something I was not. I dated girls and, at one point, considered marrying a girl from the church. Thank God, I didn’t do that. It would have been horrible for both of us. I was lucky that prior to my mother’s death when I was five years old, she had told my grandmother that she wanted me to go to college. So, I grew up in a family where no one went to college with my eyes set on it because I certainly couldn’t deny the wishes of my dead mother. I also realized that college was my escape. It was getting away, and learning about other things, and I am so grateful for it. Even though an uncle in the church told me that I would go to hell for accepting a scholarship to a Presbyterian college, I accepted the invitation anyway, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not only was I invited, for the first time in my life, to question and examine my indoctrination, but also to begin aligning myself with my authenticity. It wasn’t gay people who invited me to be myself; it was straight people. Some were professors, some were loving mentors, and some were therapists. I had gone to therapy initially to deal with the fact that my authentic self was incongruent with my conditioning about who I was supposed to be. It took a while to stop defending what I didn’t choose and to begin giving myself permission to be myself. I continue to confront that indoctrination to this day. More on that later. I’ll begin by explaining.

When I moved to South Texas, I thought I knew a little bit about Hispanic culture, but soon realized I had a lot to learn. I began learning more when I met my husband, who is Hispanic. Actually, his DNA test showed that he is 45% Karankawa, a Native American tribe from Northern Mexico and South Texas. However, he didn’t know about his Native American heritage because those identities have almost been erased. So, I began learning a lot of things, like what Tejano and Cumbia music are and the dances that are associated with them. Since I don’t speak Spanish and hadn’t been exposed to Hispanic culture, I didn’t listen to those types of music. However, in South Texas, there are Tejano bars where the Mexican-based music abounds. My husband is bilingual in Spanish and English and loves his Hispanic heritage.  Tejano originated in South Texas in the 19^th century as a blend of Mexican folk music and German influence. Yes, many Germans immigrated to Mexico in the 1800s. Cumbia originated in Colombia in the 17th century as a mix of African, indigenous, and Spanish musical traditions. It has since become quite modernized.  Last night, my husband and I went out to a Tejano bar, and I learned even more about Hispanic culture and about myself.

I assume most white people have never been to a Tejano bar, so let me explain. In this particular bar, there is a central dance floor with a bar at each end and seating all around. Couples go onto the dance floor and dance in a counterclockwise circle, making many twists and turns and performing dances associated with Cumbia and Tejano music. Since almost all our friends are heterosexual couples, two of whom have wives who like to dance but the husbands don’t, and my husband is very good at it and loves to dance, we go out together. My husband dances with the wives, while their husbands and I sit on the sidelines watching the dance floor. I would dance, but I’ve never learned those dances. Besides, I’m more of a freestyle dancer. Blame it on my disco days. What I have noticed in Tejano bars is no judgment. When we were out last night, I noticed at least five gay couples. Three of the couples were obviously lesbian (although women often dance together or alone), and two of the couples were gay men; they interacted with one of the lesbian couples. So, I assume they knew each other.  The other thing I noticed in this bar full of straight people, approximately 150-200 people, was no scoffing or reactions at gay couples being on the dance floor and enjoying themselves like everyone else.

The truth is that because of my upbringing, I have always been afraid of expressing myself as gay, and I noticed something about myself. First, I thought, “That’s how it should be.” Gay couples, gay people should be as open and free to be themselves as anyone else anywhere. My heart was touched that these people could be in that bar and be themselves without repercussions. However, I also noticed that when my husband leaned over me from behind, kissed me on the cheek, and embraced me, I felt fear of being attacked, as if I was doing something wrong. Never mind that the husband of one of our straight couple friends also leaned over me from behind and hugged me. When it was time to go, my husband took my hand, led me through the bar, and across the parking lot to our car. The whole time, I felt trepidation like I was doing something wrong, like I shouldn’t be doing that for fear of being attacked. Then, I felt ashamed that after 70 years of living and working on loving and accepting myself for at least 50 years, I still fear conflict over being known as gay. Childhood conditioning can be very powerful.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that anything that straight couples are allowed to do in public, gay people should be allowed to do in public. If only straight people are allowed to do it, it is not a right, it’s a privilege. Many years ago, when I was single and open about being gay at work, I was out to lunch with my supervisor. His wife stopped by the restaurant to deliver something to him. She leaned over and gave him a peck on the lips and said, “See you after work, honey.” I asked him, “Have you ever considered how much straight people take for granted?” Of course, this is the same person who said, before it was legal, “Gay marriage isn’t a threat to traditional marriage, divorce is. How about a bill banning divorce?” I thought about many other things last night, such as how proud I am of the Hispanic community here for its openness and acceptance of LGBTQIA people. I wish the entire world could be that free, and that people would understand that others living their authenticity causes no harm. Those who criticize, condemn, or condone violence against LGBTQIA people for simply being who they are experience no harm from LGBTQIA people simply being themselves. The argument that exposure to gay people will cause kids to grow up gay is total hogwash. I grew up with exposure to no gay people at all (none that I knew of), but that didn’t stop me from being gay. I have been involved with heterosexual friends for many years and interacted as myself around their children. Yet, not one of those kids turned out to be gay, even though their parents were open and accepting of gay people, and the kids were around me a lot. If kids learn about other kids having two daddies or two mommies in school, it’s not going to turn them gay, but it might give them a little bit of compassion and understanding about what gay people go through. No one should feel ashamed of being their authentic self, as long as they are ethical and don’t do to others what they wouldn't want done to themselves. Harm no one, be yourself, and let others be themselves. That’s a principle of every religion that far too often is shoved to the side in favor of judgment and condemnation, if not overt oppression. Very few straight people have the slightest clue how much courage it takes for LGBTQIA people to be openly themselves. Authenticity should be everyone’s right, and the entire world could take a lesson in love from the South Texas Hispanic community.